Grieving amidst COVID: A Doctor’s Perspective

It was all building up just like the calm before the storm. A lovely and lively lady in her 50s was admitted to our hospital with no other ailments. She fell prey to the ruthless devil of the present time, i.e., COVID. It had shackled her lungs and was eating them up, making it difficult for her to breathe. She was anxious and worried, but I assured her of complete recovery. It was based on her clinical parameters and promising laboratory reports. It was undoubtedly not a false promise. I made this promise to her, regardless of what role her destiny had to play. Moreover, her improving parameters after a few days not only raised her morale but were like a cherry on the cake for me too.

It felt like a smooth, calm ride on a bright day but was quite oblivious of the storm that it hid. It was slowly building up and transforming into the tempest of emotional breakdown. It hit us with all its might when, all of a sudden, her saturation started to drop, and the next moment, she was gasping for breath. Despite putting in all our best efforts, she could not pull through and died within an hour. Indeed, it was staggering and hard to absorb and left me dejected and disappointed.

Enduring this pain, I started preparing her death documents, still trying to comprehend what had just happened. I was also readying myself to break the news of her demise to her relatives.

As I was writing notes, a young lad in his twenties rushed inside the ward, scared and anxious.

“I am the son of Soma Devi. How is she doing? “They told me that she is not doing well,” he said in despair.

He is a grown-up kid likely studying in some college. I looked at him and asked for his father. I did not know what my ears were going to hear would break all the embankments built around me to hold back the flood of my emotional outburst.

”He is no more!” he whispered.

This was the moment when it rang the blue, and I started to shatter from within.

“He died last week due to COVID. My mother is still unaware, and please don’t tell her!” I was taken aback.

He said this looking straight into my eyes. Before I could absorb what he just said, he again blurted, “How is my mother?”

After years of training and practice in Medicine, breaking the bad news was not any more difficult for me. I could easily declare someone’s demise with utmost caution and sensitivity. I was so used to seeing people break into tears when they heard of their loved one’s demise. I had witnessed this an endless number of times that it could hardly affect me anymore. At times I sat in silence. My senses would contemplate whether there were any emotions left inside me. I wondered if I was reduced to a mere heartless bot!!

But today it was different. I was, for some unknown reason, feeling the pain of this young boy. I was feeling sad about his loss. I was not able to speak, and my throat was choking. I felt like the naive intern who was supposed to break the bad news for the first time. He doesn’t know how to do it.

I was numb, standing speechless, trying to gather the courage to say it.

“Beta, she is no more!” Somehow, I declared.

Hearing this, he just broke down. I don’t know why, but I hugged him. He kept on crying even louder. I made him sit on a nearby chair. He cried and cried relentlessly. I was standing beside him, keeping my hand on his shoulder.

Finally, he gathered himself and said, “Sir, what will I do now without my Aayi (mother)?”

I had no answers. I was overwhelmed, left with only the thought of how God had been cruel to him. I acknowledged and left the place!

I too left him grieving as his parents had left him, all alone!

I completed the documentation and retired to the lounge. I closed my eyes. Tears started flowing like a storm. It had been building up for a long time and now found its place to fall!

“I am not a bot but a human!” – I realised!!! Probably the God’s way of telling!!!